WANTE.D 

One  Thousand  Spirited  Young 
Milliners  for  the  Gold  Diggings 

By 

J.  STIRLING  COYNE. 


PUBLISHED  BY 

The#  Publ-ishing  Company 

CHA.RLBS  H 3EBLGEL.  , PRESIDENT 


Digitized  by  the  Internet  Archive 
in  2017  with  funding  from 

University  of  Illinois  Urbana-Champaign  Alternates 


https://archive.org/details/wantedonethousanOOcoyn 


WANTED,  ONE  THOUSAND 


SrilUTEl)  YOUNG  MILLINERS 


l^Oli  THE  GOLD  DIGGINGS. 


A FARCE,  IN  ONE  ACT. 


BY  J.  STIRLING  COYNE. 

Author  of  “The  Woman  in  Red,”  “The  Little  Rebel,”  “The  Broken- 
Hearted  Club,”  “A  Widow  Hunt,”  etc.,  etc. 


AS  FIRST  PERFORMED  AT  THE  ROYAL  OLYMPIC  THEATRE, 
LONDON,  IN  1852. 


TO  WHICH  ARE  ADDED 

1 DESCRIPTION  OP  THE  COSTUMES-CAST  OF  CHARACTERS-EN 
TRANCES  AND  EXITS— RELATIVE  POSITIONS  OP  THE 
PERFORMERS  ON  THE  STAGE.  AND  THE  WHOLE 
OF  THE  STAGE  BUSINESS. 


CHICAGO: 

THE  DRAMATIC  PUBLISHING  COMPANY. 


2 


WANTED,  ONE  THOl  SAND  YOUNG  MILLINERS 


CAST  OF  CHARACTERS, 


Royal  Olympic,,  Burton's  Theatre^ 
London,  1852.  New  York,  1852 

Mr.  Singleton,  a solicitor Mr.  Bender Mr.  Gonriay. 

Joe  Baggs,  his  clerk Mr.  Hoskins Mr.  Burton. 

Tom  Tipton,  a medical  student  at  Guy's.  ...Mr.  Compton Mr.  Johnston. 


Selina  Smith "j 

Sophy  Stokes i 

Charlotte  Simpson  . . I Young 

‘'Caroline  Jones f Milliners. 

Bella  Brown ( 

Jemima  Jukes J 

Angelica  Tod,  a milliner's  apprentice 


. .Miss  Ellen  Turner. . ..Mrs.  Holman. 

. .Miss  Lucy  Rafter Mrs.  Fisk. 

. . Miss  Isabel  Adams . . . Miss  Fisher. 

..Miss  Shalders Miss  Devere. 

. .Miss  Pitt Miss  Jansen. 

. .Miss  S.  Pitt 

..Mrs.  B.  Bartlet  Mrs.  Hughes. 


TIME  IN  REPRESENTATION-FORTY-FIVE  MINUTES. 


COSTUMES. 

Singleton— Black  suit,  white  neckcloth. 

Baggs— First  dress— Green  coat,  light  waistcoat  and  trousers.  Second  dress  — 
Lady’s  polka  body,  and  flowered  skirt,  cap  and  flowers. 

Tipton— First  dress— Black  coat,  broad-plaid  waistcoat,  brown  trousers  with 
broad  red  stripe  down  sides.  Second  dress— Old  hat,  shabby  drab  greatcoat. 
Third  dress— Lady’s  polka  body,  and  flowered  skirt,  ivig  a la  Grec,  lace  lappets. 
Angelica — Extravagant  bonnet,  black  visite,  muslin  dress. 

Milliners— Neat  bonnets,  scarfs,  shawls,  aprons,  and  muslin  or  stuff  dresses. 


SCENERY. 

SCENE.— A solicitor’s  office  furnished  in  the  usual  manner;  a large  table  with 
papers  and  writing  materials  on  it,  c.;  windows  r.  and  l.,  in  flat,  with  blinds 
to  each;  door  to  Singleton’s  private  room,  k.  3 e.;  fire-place,  over  which  is  a 
chimney-glass,  r.  2 e.;  door  of  closet,  l.  3 e.;  door  of  entrance,  l.  2 e.;  nine 
office-chairs  and  one  easy-chair  placed  by  fire-place,  r.  ; lawyer’s  tin  boxes  on 
the  floor  and  on  shelves. 


PROPERTIES. 

Writing  materials  and  legal  paper  for  Baggs;  printed  placards,  reading: 
“ Wanted,  one  thousand  spirited  young  milliners  for  the  Gold  Diggings.  Ajiply 
personally  to  Mrs.  Vanderpants,  from  ten  o’clock  in  the  morning  till  twelve  at 
night,  at  210  Lincoln’s  Inn  Fields;”  carpet-bag,  greatcoat,  and  shawl;  lot  of  law- 
papers  on  table;  note-paper  and  envelope;  match-box  with  sulphur  imitches  on 
mantel-piece;  sealing-wax;  candle  in  candle-stick;  large  paste-l>rush  and  oot; 
lawyer’s  deed  box;  open  note  on  table  for  Baggs  to  find;  razor  on  cnimney- 
jnece;  seven  work-baskets  for  milliners;  apple  for  Selina;  two  large  white  muslin 
curtains;  needles  for  each  of  the  milliners;  spools  of  cotton;  one  lobster  in 
Selina’s  basket;  spectacles  for  Baggs;  thimbles  for  Baggs  and  ladies;  two 


POR  THE  GOLD-DIGGINGS, 


3 


pipes,  tobacco,  German  tinder,  etc.;  pair  of  gent’s  boots;  pair  of  boxing  gloves; 
one  post-horn;  gent’s  wide-awake  hat;  pitcher  with  water. 


SYJSfOFSIS. 

Joe  Baggs,  a clerk  to  Mr.  Singleton,  a London  solicitor,  gets  a letter  posted  at 
Oxford,  calling  for  Mr.  S.’s  presence  immediately,  as  Mr.  Tottles,  a rich  client 
of  his,  wants  to  make  a will.  S.  has  told  Baggs  that  he  has  received  this  letter, 
and  that  he  must  go  at  once.  While  he  is  in  his  private  office  preparing  in 
siart,  Tom  Tipton,  a medical  student,  comes  in.  He  is  as  full  of  mischief  as 
his  chum,  Joe  Baggs,  and  a scheme  is  arranged  between  them  by  which  they 
agree  to  advertise  for  one  thousand  young  milliners  to  go  to  the  gold  diggings. 
Tom  goes  out,  gets  a rough  disguise,  and  returns  with  paste-pot  and  brush,  to 
stick  up  the  hand-bills,  when  he  is  confronted  by  Mr.  Singleton.  The  latter 
does  not  penetrate  his  disguise*  and  Tom  pokes  considerable  fun  at  the  old 
lawyer.  Before  the  latter  departs  he  pens  a note  to  a Miss  Selina  Smith,  refer- 
ing  to  their  interview  at  Kensington  gardens,  and  telling  her  of  his  intention 
to  dine  with  her  next  Sunday  at  Richmond.  The  advertisement  is  seen.  Half- 
a-dozen  milliners,  more  or  less  young  and  attractive,  answer  the  call,  and  are 
received  at  Singleton’s  rooms.  Here  they  are  met  by  Joe  Baggs  and  Tom 
Tipton.  These  two  worthies  are  dressed  in  ladies’  clothes,  and  pass  them- 
selves off  as  Mrs.  Vanderpants  and  her  assistant  Miss  Smithers.  The  milliners 
express  themselves  as  being  anxious  to  get  the  situation,  and  the  two  frauds, 
Joe  and  Tom,  have  to  give  them  some  work  to  do  to  prove  their  ability.  So  the 
fun  proceeds,  now  the  milliners  getting  the  best  of  the  young  fellows,  and  then 
the  tables  being  turned.  While  the  uproar  is  at  its  height,  Singleton  appears, 
and  begins  to  carry  things  wdth  a high  hand;  but  Joe  Baggs  desires  a private  in- 
terview, and  when  he  displays  Selina  Smith’s  letter,  the  lawyer  comes  down  a 
peg  or  two,  and  expresses  his  intention  of  going  out  to  a hotel  to  dine,  and  Joe 
gets  him  to  be  responsible  for  a bit  of  a feast,  with  wine,  for  the  young  milliners 
and  their  two  male  friends. 


STAGE  DIRECTIONS. 


R.  means  right  of  stage,  facing  the  Audience;  L.  Left;  C.  Centre;  R.  C.  Right 
of  Centre;  L.  C.  Left  of  Centre;  D.  P.  Door  in  the  Flat,  or  Scene  running  across 
the  back  of  the  Stage;  C.  D.  P.  Centre  Door  in  the  Plat;  R.  D.  F.  Right  Dooi 
in  the  Flat;  L.  D.  F.  Left  Door  in  the  Flat;  R.  D.  Right  Door;  L.  D.  Left  Doon 
1 E.  First  Bn  trance;  2 E.  Second  Entrance;  U.  E.  Upper  Entrance;  1,2  or  3 G 
First  Second  or  Third  Grooves, 


The  reader  is  supposed  to  be  upon  the  stage,  facing  the  audience. 


Sr.  K.C. 


L,C.  li 


c*) 


c. 


WANTED,  1,000  YOUNG  MILLINERS. 


Scene. — A solicUofs  office  furnished  in  the  usual  manner — Joe 
Baggs  discovered  writing  l.  of  table. 

Baggs.  (Writing  and  reading.)  “All  that  aud  those  tenements 
and  hereditaments,  situate,  lying  and  being  in  the  parish  of  Tet- 
teringham,  situate  in  the  county  of  Norfolk,  as  lately  in  the  pos- 
session of  John  Dobbin,  farmer,  and  bounded  on  the  nortJi  by 
Coppershaw  Close” — no — “on  the  south” — no — “on  the  east” — 
(Rising.)  Hang  it!  I can  think  of  nothing  but  the  plan  I have  in 
hand.  I wonder  if  Tom  Tipton  has  got  my  note.  I must  have 
Tom’s  assistance  to  carry  out  my  project.  He’s  a devilish  clever 
fellow,  is  Tom,  though  he  has  been  for  six  years  trying  unsuc- 
cessfully to  pass  the  College  of  Surgeons.  When  I think  of  the 
larks  we  have  played  together!  Ha,  ha,  ha! 

{Laughs  with  suppressed  glee. 

Tipton.  (Patting  his  head  in  at  d.  l.  2 e.)  Hallo,  Joe!  What’s 
up?  (Enters.)  You’re  as  jolly  as  if  somebody  had  lent  you  a 
tive-pun  note  to  be  paid  three  months  after  convenience. 

Bag.  Oh,  Tom!  I’m  glad  you’re  come.  But  don’t  speak  too 
loud;  for  the  governor  is  in  his  private  room  there.  Such  a lark, 
Tom!  I’ve  done  him — done  him  brown,  at  last. 

Tip.  What!  old  Singleton — the  cunningest  fox  in  the  Law 
List — done  him?  I’ll  shake  hands  with  you,  Joe.  (They  shake 
hands.)  You’re  not  such  a fool  as  you  look.  Let  me  hear  all 
about  it. 

Bag.  I’ve  had,  for  ?dhie  tirheV a project  in  my  mind; 

but  I could  not  put  it  in  execution  without  getting  ihe  governor 
out  of  the  way  for  a whole  day.  Well,  what  do  you  think  I do? 

Tip.  Something  stupid,  of  course. 

Bag.  Ah!  you  shall  judge.  The  governor  happens  to  have  a 
rich  old  client  down  at  Oxford — Tottles,  he’s  called.  Well,  I 
get  a letter  written,  and  posted  at  Oxford,  as  from  Mrs.  Tottles, 
to  the  governor,  telling  him  that  her  husband  had  been  taken 
suddenly  very  ill,  indeed,  and  wanted  to  make  his  will,  and  go 
out  of  the  world  comfortably;  which  he  could  not  do  unless  his 
friend,  Singleton,  came  down. 

Tip.  AhT  Well? 

Bag.  The  letter  arrived  this  morning  by  the  early  post,  and, 
strange  as  it  may  seem,  the  governor  fell  into  the  trap;  and  the 
infatuated  individual  is  now  packing  his  carpet-bag,  preparing  to 
start  for  Oxford. 

Tip.  Bravo,  Joe!  By  Jove!  I couldn’t  have  managed  it  better 
myself.  But  what  are  you  going  to  do  when  you’ve  got  the 
premises  to  yourself?  Something  must  be  done.  Let  me  see;  I 

4 


WANTED,  ONE  THOUSAND  YOUNG  MILLINERS.  5 


kaow  half-a-dozen  of  Guy’s  fellows  that  I can  muster  in  no  time. 
One  of  them  sings  all  the  comic  songs  popular  at  Evans’s,  and 
another  can  mix  punch,  and  balance  no  end  of  tobacco-pipes  on 
his  nose.  You  play  loo?  Of  course  you  do.  Well,  I’ll  bring 
a pack  of  cards ; and  we’ll  hare  in  innumerable  pots  of  shandy- 
gaff; and  you  shall  lock  the  door,  and  stick  a notice  outside, 
“Back  in  half-an-hour”— meaning  half-an-hour  after  no  particu- 
lar time;  and  we’ll  close  the  shutter  and  light  the  gas,  and  make 
a serious  day  of  it,  my  bov!  [^Slaps  Mm  on  the  shoulder. 

Bag.  Why,  you  see,  Tom,  though  I am  rather  partial  to 
shandygaff,  and  think  you  fellows  of  Guy’s  devilish  pleasant 
company  over  a bowl  of  punch,  I have  a plan  of  my  own  that 
will  interfere  with  yours. 

Tip.  O in  that  case  propound  it.  I am  open  to  conviction. 

Bag.  Here  it  is.  {Takes  printed  placards  out  of  table-drawer,  and 
exhibits  one.)  What  do  you  think  of  it? 

Tip.  Eh?  {Reads.)  “Wanted  one  thousand  spirited  young 
milliners” — A thousand! 

Bag.  Be  the  same  more  or  less. 

Tip.  {Reading.)  “One  thousand  spirited  young  milliners  for 
the  gold  diggings.  Apply  personally  to  Mrs.  Vanderpants” — 
Who  the  devil  is  Mrs.  Vanderpants? 

Bag.  Never  mind.  Go  on. 

Tip.  {Reading.)  “ Apply  personally  to  Mrs.  Vanderpants,  from 
ten  o’clock  in  the  morning  till  twelve  at  night,  at  210  Lincoln’s 
Inn  Fields.”  Why,  Joe,  that’s  here! 

Bag.  Undoubtedly. 

Tip.  Eh?  I begin  to  have  some  idea  of  your  intentions.  You’re 
meditating  a Circassian  soiree — 

Bag.  Hush!  You’ve  hit  upon  it — d^fete  artistique. 

Tip.  No? 

Bag.  Artistiiue,  choregraphique,  and  chixelresque — 

Tip.  And  millinersque. 

Bag.  Millinersque  essentially 

Tip.  Joe,  I’ve  no  hesitation  in  asserting  that  your  idea  is  stu- 
pendous!— I may  say  ’tis  the  volcanic  and  cutaneous  eruption  of 
a great  mind. 

Bag.  Well,  the  next  thing  to  do  is  to  get  out  a few  bills.  You 
must  help  me,  Tom. 

Tip.  Why,  the  fact  is,  I have  a good  many  out  already;  but  to 
accommodate  a friend,  I don’t  mind  doing  a few  more.  Where’s 
your  pen  and  ink?  {Bits  l.  of  table.)  Hand  over  your  papers,  and 
i’ll  put  as  good  a name  on  them  as  ever  spoiled  a stamp. 

Bag.  Pshaw!  I only  want  you  to  stick  them. 

Tip.  No,  no;  ’pon  my  life  I can’t  do  that.  I’ll  accept  them 
with  pleasure,  and  you  shall  stick  them — secundum  artem — that’s 
the  regular  practice,  I believe,  at  Guy’s. 

Bag.  Will  you  understand  me?  I merely  want  you  to  stick  a 
few  of  these  placards. 

Tip.  {Rising.)  Oh!  I beg  pardon;  I was  thinking  of  another 
kind  of  bill-sticking;— three  months  after  date.  Hem!  give  them 
to  me.  {Takes  placards.)  I’ll  borrow  an  old  hat  and  coat  from 
the  porter,  and  try  my  hand  at  external  paper-hanging.  But  1 
say,  where  shall  I put  them  up? 


6 


WANTED,  ONE  THOUSAND  YOUNG  MILLINERS 


Bag.  Oh,  anywhere  in  the  neighborhood on  any  blank  wall 
or  pump  you  may  tind. 

Tip.  Pump.''  ’Gad,  then  I’ll  just  step  into  Lincoln’s  Inn  and 
the  College  of  Surgeons,  where  I shall  find  plenty  of  old  pumps. 

\^Exit,  L.  2 E. 

Bag.  I rather  fancy  I shall  render  myself  illustrious  in  all 
future  histories  of  England,  by  this  a)uy  d'etat.  There's  certainly 
something  magnificent  in  the  notion  of  wanting  a thousand  mil- 
liners for  the  gold  diggings! 

Enter  Singleton,  from  room,  r.  3 e.,  with  carpet-bag,  greatcoat, 
and  shawl. 


Singleton.  Eh,  Baggs;  what’s  that  you’re  saying  about  the 
diggings.  [Puts  carpet-hag,  etc. , on  chair. 

Bag.  Diggings,  sir?  Oh,  yes;  I was  observing  to  myself,  in 
your  absence,  that  an  enterprising  young  man,  with  an  indus 
trious  wife  and  a cradle,  might  do  wonders  at  the  gold  diggings. 

Sin.  All  humbug!  There  are  no  diggings  like  the  diggings  at 
Westminster  Hall,  where,  if  you  hit  upon  a good  case,  you  may 
wash  lots  of  gold  out  of  a client.  Come  here,  Joe.  I am  obliged 
to  go  down  to  Oxford  this  morning. 

Bag.  {Aside.)  And  you  may  thank  me  for  the  journey. 

Sin.  Old  Tottles  is  dying. 

Bag.  Dying,  sir?  Dear  me!  that’s  sudden,  sir!  Execution  on 
the  body — removal  by  habeas  corjAis — doctors  can’t  put  in  bail — 
must  leave  the  world,  his  wife,  and  his  lawyer,  sir.  But  I dare 
say,  sir,  it  will  be  a happy  release  for  the  poor  man. 

Sin.  A^es,  yes,  he’s  bee^n  ailing  for  some  time.  Ah!  by  the 
bye.  I’ve  a letter  that  I must  write  before  I go.  Where  are  the 
ink  and  paper? 

Bag.  (Arranging  papers  on  table.)  Here  they  are,  sir.  (Sin- 
gleton sits  n.  of  table.)  But  don't  you  think  you  may  be  late, 
sir?  When  a man  is  dying,  you  know — 

vSiN.  (Writing.)  He’s  seldom  in  a hurry,  Joe. 

Bag.  Ha,  ha,  ha!  Why,  no  sir;  but — (Aside.)  Hang  iiim  for 
a stubborn  old  mule.  I’m  afraid  Tom  will  be  back  before  he’s 
done.  [Goes  to  icindow  and  looks  out. 

Sin.  (Writing,  and  aside.)  I have  full  ten  minutes  to  spare, 
before  ’twill  be  time  to  start.  Meanwhile,  I’ll  mingle  a little 
pleasure  with  business,  by  answering  the  note  I have  just  re- 
ceived from  that  charmimr  creature  whom  I met  in  Kensington 
gardens; — a sweet,  timid  little  innocent,  fresh  fr(/m  the  country. 
Joe!  sealing-wax  and  a light.  And  she  has  consented  to  dine 
with  me  next  Sunday,  at  Richmond.  I really  believe  I possess 
an  extraordinary  power  of  fascination  over  the  fair  sex. 

[ Writes. 

Bag.  A^es,  sir.  (Lights  match  f rom  box  on  chimney-piece.)  Phew! 
matches,  they  sa3^  are  made  in  heaven;  but  these,  In^  theii-  smell, 
must  have  been  manufactured  in  a very  different  place. 

[Lights  taper. 

Sin.  (Addressing  note.)  “Miss  Selina  Smith,  Post  Office,  Char- 
ing Cross.  To  be  called  for.” 


FOR  THE  GOLD-DICGINGS. 


7 


Bag.  {Hacinc/  taper  on  table.)  Here  you  are,  sir.  You  hold 
the  letter,  and  I’ll  drop  on  the  wax. 

Sin.  Thank  you. 

Enter  Tipton  hastily,  l.  2 e.,  wearing  an  old  greatcoat  and  shabby 
ichite  hat,  and  carrying  a large  brush. 

Tip.  Phew!  All  right!  Ha,  ha,  ha! 

Sin.  Eh!  Who’s  that? 

Bag.  (Embarrassed.)  That,  sir?  Oh,  that’s — 

{I)roj)s  melting  wax  on  Singleton 

Sin.  Hallo! — the  wax!  (Jumps  up  in  pain,  holding  his  finger 
in  his  mouth.)  You’ve  burnt  me  to  the  bone  with  the  internal 
wax! 

Bag.  (Aside  to  Tipton.)  What  are  you  about?  The  governor! 

Tip.  Hold  hard!  {Hides  brush  behind  him. 

Sin.  What’s  your  business,  fellow? 

Tip.  {In  a simple  manner.)  I’m  a hartist! 

Sin.  (Pompously.)  Oh!  a painter,  I suppose? 

Tip.  Yes,  and  glazier  as  well.  {Shoics pot  and  brush. 

Sin.  And  what  do  you  come  here  fbr? 

Tip.  I’m  come  to  paint  you!  {Uses  the  action  of  painting. 

Sin.  Paint  me? 

Tip.  Yes.  How  will  you  be  done;  in  plain  oak  or  mahogany? 

Sin.  You’ve  made  a mistake,  my  good  fellow.  You’re  not 
wanted  here. 

Tip.  Oh ! perhaps  it’s  the  other  old  buffer,  on  the  floor  above, 
that  master  has  sent  me  to  do  up.  But,  I say,  I don’t  think  a 
brush  would  do  you  much  harm  here.  (Looks  about.)  You  don’t 
look  remarkable  fresh.  I should  like  to  give  you  a coat  or  two. 

[Singleton  turns  away. 

Bag.  (r.)  Presumptuous  painter!  we  want  none  of  your  coats, 
when  we  have  six  suits  in  Chancery  to  our  back,  that  we  hope 
will  last  us  all  our  lives,  and  descend  to  our  children  after  us . 

Tip.  (l.)  Oh!  Well,  good  bye. 

{Slips  behind  door,  l.  2 E.,  and  conceals  himself . 

Sin.  Joe,  my  coat.  Mind  you  don’t  let  that  fellow  in  here 
again.  (Takes  carpet  bag .)  Be  attentive  to  business,  Joe.  Go  on 
with  the  draft  of  Edward’s  mortgage — and  mind  you  turn  off  the 
gas  at  night — and  have  that  writ  served  upon  Jones — and — that’s 
all.  Good-bye.  {Exit,  l.  2 e. 

Bag.  Good-bye,  sir!  Take  care  of  yourself!  (Closes  door,  and 
discovers  Tipton  standing  upright  against  the  wall.) 

Tip.  (Capering.)  Hooray!  the  field’s  our  own.  I’ve  put  them 
all  up  (Imitates  action  of  sticking  a bill),  in  defiance  of  the  solemn 
warning,  ‘‘Bill-stickers,  beware!’'  You  should  see  them,  Joe. 
They’re  enormously  attractive!  The  milliners  can’t  help  them- 
selves. We  shall  catch  them  alive,  like  bluebottles  in  a grocer’s 
window.  They’ll  l)e  dowm  on  us  in  a swarm,  directly.  But 
where’s  Madame  Vanderpants?  You  know  you  have  announced 
her,  and  she  must  be  forthcoming. 

Bag.  I’m  prepared  for  that.  Madame  Vanderpants  is  an  old 
lady,  a client  of  the  governor’s,  who,  having  a heavy  suit  on 
hand,  is  obliged  to  come  up  to  town  frequently;  and  to  save 


8 WANTED,  ONE  THOUSAND  YOUNG  MILLINERS 

trouble  she  leaves  some  boxes  and  trunks  of  clothes  here,  where 
she  has  them  ready  when  she  requires  them.  Now,  I've  selected 
a few  articles  of  apparel  from  her  store;  and  when  I’ve  got  them 
on  I think  I shall  make  a very  fair  sample  of  the  sex. 

Tip.  You’ll  be  a prodigious  creature,  Joe!  But  what  am  1 to 
do? 

Bag.  Why,  as  you’re  to  be  my  assistant,  I’ve  looked  out  a 
few  things  for  you.  {Brings  down  a lawyer's  deed-hox,  ichich  is  on 
the  floor  at  hack.)  Here  you  are,  in  “Smith’s  Executors.”  On 
with  these  directly,  or  we  shan’t  be  ready  to  receive  our  visitors. 
{Gives  bo.r.)  G-o  into  that  room  there;  and  make  haste. 

Tip.  Well,  this  beats  Guy’s,  by  several  chalks. 

[Exit  icitli  box,  R.  3 E. 

Bag.  Now  to  m iki  a clearance  here.  {Moves  table  back.)  So. 
{Takes  a n^te  fro  a table.)  What’s  this?  A note,  addressed  to 
the  governor,  and  in  a female  hand  that  I’m  not  acquainted  with. 
Hem!  I must  see  what  he’s  been  about.  {Beads.)  Um,  um — 
“been  thinking  of  you  since  the  evening  we  met  in  Kensington 
gardens” — um  um— “ tender  emotions” — um,  um — “ love — Cupid 
— innocence”— um,  um — “flattering  sex” — um,  um— “happy  to 
accept  invitation  to  dineat  Richmond.”  Ha! — um,  um — “Ever 
thine,  Selina  Smith.”  Whew!  here’s  a discovery!  Governor  going 
to  give,  a dinner  at  Richmond  to  a mysterious  female.  So!  I 
must  look  after  the  old  gentleman’s  morals.  [Puts  letter  in  pocket. 

Re-enter  Tipton,  r.  2 e.,  dressed  in  female  aitire. 

Tip.  Here,  Joe,  will  you  give  this  gown  a pull,  and  hook  it 
for  me? 

Bag.  {Assisting  imn  ) Yes,  yes;  make  haste. 

Tip.  Oh,  ho! — there! — you  tickle  me! — quick! — There! — oh!— 
don’t! — there!  I’m  as  easily  tickled  as  a kitten.  Quick!  {2\vist- 
ing.)  Oh! 

Bag.  Be  quiet,  will  you? 

Tip.  What  shameful  stitching  there  is  in  this  gown!  You  hear 
how  it  cracks— krr-rr-rr! 

.Bag.  It’s  my  turn  to  dress  now.  [Exit,  running,  l.  3 e. 

Tip.  I wonder  if  I look  interesting,  in  my  new  costume.  {Goes 
to  glass.)  Oh,  curse  it!— ha,  ha,  ha! — I forgot  my  moustache. 
That  will  never  do.  A moustache  on  a lady’s  lip  is  an  anomaly 
on  the  face  of  it.  I see  I .must  sacrifice  my  capillary  attraction, 
and  have  it  off  ; and  luckily  here’s  Joe's  razor.  {Taken  razor  off 
chimney-piece,  and  is  strapping  it  on  7m  hand,  tclien  a knoclc  is  heard 
at  D.  L.  2 E.)  Hallo!  here’s  an  applicant  already.  {Puts  razor  on 
chimney-piece.)  I must  defer  the  operation,  and  conceal  my  ano- 
maly. Come  in! 

Enter  Angelica,  l.  2 e. 

An  I believe  Madame  'V'anderpants  lives  here? 

Tip.  {Keeping  handJverchief  to  his  mouth.)  Quite  correct  ma'am. 
{Aside.)  A devilish  old  bird.  Pray  walk  in.  Madame  Vander* 
pants  will  be  here  presently.  Hem!  I’m  her  particular  friend — 
in  fact,  her  medical  assistant— a-r-when  I say  medical,  you  of 


J’OR  THE  GOLD-DIGGINGS. 


9 


course  understand  I allude  to  millinery  affairs.  You’ve  come,  I 
suppose,  as— a — a — 

An.  a deputation,  mem,  from  the  young  ladies  of  Mrs. 
Knappit,  the  milliner’s  establishment.  There  are  seven  of  us, 
mem,  all  anxious  for  exportation;  and  as  I was  the  youngest 
apprentice — 

Tip.  The  youngest  apprentice!  (Aside.)  There’s  not  much  pre- 
cocious talent  amongst  them. 

An.  They  said  to  me,  “Angelica” — (Simpering) — my  name’s 
Angelica  Tod.  I’m  a single  young  woman,  mem. 

Tip.  Single! — ahem! — I perceive.  (Aside.)  A lamb  of  many 
summers.  Well,  ma’am — I mean,  my  dear — my  name  is — (Aside.) 
What  the  deuce  is  my  name?  Ah! — oh! — yes! — Smithers — Miss 
Smithers,  my  love.  [Angelica  curtseys. 

An.  Well,  mem,  the  young  ladies  said  to  me,  “Angelica, 
dear,  as  your  manner  and  your  bonnet  are  so  superior,  will  you 
have  the  kindness  to  go  and  inquire  about  this  Madame  Vander- 
pants,  who  wants  a thousand  milliners  for  the  diggings.” 

Tip.  Very  proper  and  prudent. 

An.  May  I ask,  then,  what  are  the  prospects  for  young  women 
in  our  line,  in  Australia? 

Tip.  Why,  my  dear,  there’s  in  the  first  place  a prospect  of 
seven  thousand  disconsolate  diggers  waiting  with  open  arms, 
upon  the  beach,  to  receive  the  same  number  of  affectionate 
wives. 

An.  Well,  I don’t  think  that  would  be  a very  serious  objection 
to  any  of  us. 

Tip.  Then,  what  with  drinking  rum  and  hunting  kangaroos, 
the  men  die  so  fast  there  that  an  active  young  woman,  if  she  have 
any  luck,  may  calculate  upon  six  husbands  per  annum,  at  least. 

An.  Oh,  I’m  sure  the  place  will  suit  us.  The  young  ladies  are 
waiting  for  me,  close  by.  I’ll  fetch  them  directly.  (Going. — Re- 
turns.) Oh,  I had  forgot. — As  we  are  unprotected  females,  we 
should  like  a reference.  Miss  Smithers. 

Tip.  Oh,  certainly.  We  refer  you  to  a — a — let  me  see — to  the 
Royal  College  of  Surgeons,  or  to  the  British  Museum. 

An.  Thank  you,  mem.  That’s  quite  suflScient.  (Curtseys.)  I’ll 
now  go  and  fetch  the  ladies. 

Tip.  Do  so,  dear.  We’ll  be  too  happy  to  see  you  all.  And  you 
may  as  well  tell  them  to  come  prepared  to  remain  for  the  day,  as 
Madame  Vanderpants  likes  to  commence  her  colonial  training  as 
soon  as  possible. 

An.  I’ll  tell  them,  mem.  [Ecdt.ij.  2 E. 

Tip.  Now  to  get  off  the  moustache  before  they  arrive. 

[Runs  to  glass,  takes  razor,  and  commences  sharing. 

Enter  Baggs,  L.  3 E. 

Bag.  (l.)  Well,  Tom,  will  I do? 

Tip.  (r.)  You  shouldn’t  interrupt  a lady  when  she’s  shaving. 

Bag.  I beg  your  pardon.  Have  we  haa  any  applications  yet? 

Tip.  (Shaving.)  Yes,  one  nibble. 

Bag.  Hah — is  she  good  looking? 

Tip.  That’s  a matter  of  taste. 

Bag.  Young? 


10  WANTED,  ONE  THOUSAND  YOUNG  MILLINERS 


Tip.  Well — a — urn — 1 should  say — hah — tough  as  the  devil! 

Bag.  The  milliner? 

Tip.  No,  no-  the  moustache.  There,  it's  oft'.  There  goes  the 
glory  01  Guy’s.  The  sacriftce  is  accomplished.  {Puts  down  razor, 
and  turns  round.)  Hallo,  Joe!  what  have  you  been  about? 
You're  not  half-dressed.  Make  haste.  There  will  be  a flock  of 
young  milliners  here  directly.  Hark!  I hear  them  on  the  stairs. 
Go;  and  I’ll  entertain  them  till  you  come.  \^Puslies  him  l. 

Bag.  Well,  mind,  Tom,  fair  play — honor  bright,  my  boy. 

[Exit,  L.  3 E. 

Enter  Angelica,  Selina,  Sophy,  Caroline,  Bella,  Charlotte, 
and  Jemima,  l.  2 e.,  each  carrying  a work  basket. 

An.  Miss  Smithers,  these  are  the  young  ladies.  Young  ladies, 
Miss  Smithers. 

[Ladies  curtsey,  and  Tipton  curtseys  awkwardly  in  return. 

Tip.  {Aside).  Confound  it!  I know  I haven't  got  the  back  slide 
correctly.  He!  hem!  very  happy  to  see  you,  young  ladies; — I 
may  say  delighted.  Madame  Yanderpants  will  be  here  presently. 
She’s  only  blowing  a cloud  in  her  room. 

Sophy.  Blowing  a cloud? 

All.  Blowing  a cloud ! 

Tip.  Ahem! — a — when  I say  blowing,  I mean,  of  course,  sew- 
ing a cloud,  my  loves.  It’s  the  newest  evening  costume, — the 
robe  de  rapeur,  as  the  French  call  it;  quite  an  etherial  affair,  I 
assure  you. 

All.  Oh!  indeed! 

Selina,  (r.  c.)  Excuse  me,  miss,  but  we  should  like  to  know 
when  we  dine. 

Tip.  When  we  dine!  Well,  that  depends  on  circumstances  en- 
tirely. ’Tis  a question  that  sometimes  requires  serious  considera- 
tion. 

SEii.  For  my  part,  I like  my  regular  dinner,  though  Fve  no 
appetite  worth  naming.  {Aside  to  others.)  Mind,  ladies,  we  shan’t 
stand  being  put  off  with  an  early  tea  for  dinner. 

All.  (l.)  No,  certainly  not.  No!  no! 

Tip.  (r.  , Aside.)  They’ve  formed  themselves  into  a provisional 
committee  upon  the  dinner  question.  I’m  afraid  that’s  a contin- 
gency that  Joe  has  not  contemplated;  for,  as  the  sensible  poet 
has  observed,  “Lips,  though  blooming,  must  still  be  fed;”  and 
I doubt  if  they’d  be  satisfled  with  a cold  collation  of  Cases  in 
Equity,  or  a lunch  upon  Remainders.  Shakespeare  must  have 
been  in  a difficulty  of  this  sort,  when  he  said,  “Oh!  that  we 
should  call  these  delicate  creatures  ours,  and  not  their  appe- 
tites!” 

Bag.  {Without,  l.)  I say,  Tom!  [Ladies  start. 

Sel.  Tom! 

Tip.  Oh!  that’s  Madame  Yanderpants.  She  sometimes  jocosely 
calls  me  Tom,  My  name  is  Thomasin.  He,  he,  he  I 

Sel.  Madame  Yanderpants  ! Attention,  ladies;  form  line.* 
eyes  down ; hands  crossed ; prepare  to  courtesy ! 

[ They  arrange  themselxes  in  line. 


FOR  THE  GOLD-DIGGINGS. 


11 


Enter  Baggs,  l.  2 e. 

Tip.  {Aside  to  him).  Call  me  Miss  Smithers. 

Bag.  {Marching  down  c.,  without  noticing  ladies^  loho  continue 
turtseying from  the  moment  he  enters.)  Miss  Smithers. 

Tip.  (r.)  Yes,  mem. 

Bag.  (c.)  You  went  abroad  yesterday  evening  without  my  per- 
mission. ’Tis  very  improper;  and  iT  it  occurs  again,  we  must 
part.  {AMe  to  Tipton.)  How  do  I look,  Tom? 

TiPo  Plummy. 

Caroline,  {Aside.)  Theo^e's  a horrible  old  giraffe!  I know  I 
shall  hate  her. 

Sel.  {Aside  to  ladies,  munching  an  apple).  So  shall  I,  if  she  don’t 
let  us  have  dinner  very  soon. 

Bag.  {Feigning  to  see  them).  Bless  me,  ladies! 

Sel.  (l.  c.)  Yes,  mem,  we’re  the  spirited  young  women  that’s 
wanted. 

Bag.  Oh,  I beg  your  pardon,  my  dears!  How  many  are  there 
of  you? 

Car.  Six,  if  you  please,  mem. 

An.  (Lv)  And  the  apprentice,  mem.  [Curtseys. 

Bag.  {Aside  to  Tipton).  That’s  exactly  half  a dozen  for  me, 
and  the  apprentice  for  you,  Tom. 

Tip.  {Aside  to  Baggs).  Blow  the  apprentice!  Excuse  the  em- 
phatic observation;  but  I cannot  avoid  expressing  my  feelings 
strongly. 

Bag.  (it  ), Hush!  it’s  all  right.  {To  Sophy).  What  may  your 
pretty  little  name  be,  my  dear? 

Sophy.  Sophy  Stokes,  mem. 

Bag.  Pretty  dear!  {Kisses  her,  and  looks  Tipton. — To  Caro- 

line.) And  how  are  you  called,  darling? 

Car.  Caroline  Jones,  mem. 

Bag.  Caroline!  Ah!  I once  knew  a Caroline.  I shall  love  you 
for  her  sake.  [Kisses  her,  and  as  before. 

Tip.  By  the  bye,  I remember,  I once  knew  a Caroline,  loo. 

[Goes  to  embrace  her. 

Bag.  {Putting  Mm  back).  No,  Miss  Smithers,  it  wasn’t  Caro- 
line. {To  Selina.)  What’s  your  name,  dear? 

Sel.  (l.  c.)  Selina  Smith,  mem. 

Bag.  (c.)  Selina  Smith.  {Aside.)  That’s  the  name  to  the  note  I 
found  after  the  governor.  {Takes  out  note,  and  examines  it.  Aloud  ) 
Selina  Smith. 

Sel.  Yes,  mem. 

Bag.  Ah!  {Aside.)  It  must  be  she.  I’m  thinking,, my  dear, 
where  I heard  the  name  of  Selina  Smith.  Wasn't  it  at- -no — yes 
— at  Kensington  Gardens?  ^ 

Sel.  {Embarrassed.)  Kensington  Gardens?  (Aside.)  What  can 
she  know  about  them? 

Bag.  Or  could  it  be  something  about  Richmond,  and  a dinner 
at  the  Star  and  Garter,  that  w^as  running  in  my  head? 

Sel.  (More  confused.)  I — I — really  can’t  say,  mem.  {Aside.) 
Can  she  have  heard  of  my  invitation?  [Goes  up,  l. 

Bag.  {Aside.)  Right.  I have  my  thumb  on  the  governor. 
Well,  young  ladies,  I’ve  decided  on  accepting  you  all,  including 

Ub  OF 


12  WANTED,  ONE  THOUSAND  YOUNG  MILLINERS 


the  apprentice,  whom  I place  under  the  especial  protection  of 
Miss  Smithers.  (Angelica,  l.,  curtseys,  and  Baggs  hands  her 
mer  to  Tipton,  r.)  There  ; I know  you'll  be  kind  to  the  young 
creature. 

Tip.  {Turning  up  r.,  followed  by  Angelica.)  I'll  be — In  ever 
mind.  [She  follows  him  about  at  hack. 

So.  We’re  quite  ready,  mem,  to  begin  work.  We’ve  brought 
our  baskets  with  us,  and  only  want  to  show  you  what  we  can  do. 

Bag.  {Aside  to  Tipton.)  Have  you  got  no  work  for  them, 
Tom. 

Tip.  (r..  Aside  to  Baggs.)  Work!  not  I.  Nothing  but  a sim- 
ple fracture  of  a shirt-button,  or  a dislocation  of  a shirt  collar. 

Bag.  What  are  we  to  do,  then  ? 

Tip.  Can’t  you  give  them  a large  order  for  baby-linen? 

Bag.  Where’s  the  material?  ’Gad,  I have  it, — the  window- 
blinds.  Hush!  {To  ladies.)  Well,  my  dears,  we’ll  commence, 
when  you’ve  taken  off  your  bonnets,  shawls — 

Tip.  And  other  personal  incumbrances. 

Bag.  In  that  closet  {Points  to  closet,  l.  3 e.)  you  can  put  them 
away.  {Ladies  go  into  closet.)  Now,  Tom,  do  as  I do.  {Pulls  down 
curtain  at  one  window — Tipton  the  same  at  the  other.)  We  must 
make  work  for  them  somehow.  {They  tear  curtains  into  eight 
strips.)  There — there — there — there.  There’s  a fair  division  of 
labor  for  them,  at  all  events. 

Ladies  re-enter,  from  closet,  without  their  bonnets. 

An.  Here  we  are,  mem. 

Bag.  {Aside.)  By  Jove!  a lovely  brigade. 

Tip.  And  here’s  your  work,  ladies.  {Gives  each  apiece  of  the 
cotton.)  Here’s  for  you — and  you — and  you,  etc. 

An.  (l.,  curtseying  and  smirking.)  And  the  apprentice,  mem. 

Tip.  Oh!  the  apprentice?  {Gruffly.)  There! 

[Gives  her  one  of  the  pieces. 

Bag.  Miss  Smithers,  a chair. 

[Tipton  gets  two  chairs,  and  places  them  c. — Ladies  get  chairs, 
and  form  in  aline  on  each  side  of  Baggs  and  Tipton,  thus — 

R.  Jem.  Bel.  Sophy.  Baggs.  Tipton.  Sel.  Char.  Car.  An.  l. 

Tip.  Now  ladies,  commence  your  industrial  operations. 

Sel.  What  are  we  to  do,  mem?  The  work  is  not  cut  out. 

Bag.  (r.  c.)  Eh!  Hem! 

Tip.  (l.  c.)  Why,  no.  The  fact  is,  our  cutter  broke  her  arm, 
last  week,  pouring  out  some  remarkably  strong  tea  for  the 
ladies. 

Ladies.  Oh!  oh!  Poor  soul!  What  a pity! 

Bag.  But  we’re  not  particular,  my  dears.  Back-stitch  those 
pieces  up  one  side  and  down  the  other,  and  put  a herring  bone 
hem  along  the  back  seam — and — and — that  will  do. 

Tip.  And  if  you  find  the  work  refractory  you  had  better  whip 
it. 

Bag.  {Aside  to  Tipton.)  I feel  I’m  getting  rather  spoony  about 
Sophy.  What  an  eye  she  has! 


t'OR  THIi  GOLD  DIGGINGS. 


13 


Tip.  {Aside  to  Baggs.)  Ah!  but  Selina  has  two  eyes,  you 
dog. 

So  Don’t  you  work,  Miss  Smithers? 

Tip.  I rather  I think  1 do, — chiefly  fancy  work.  Some  of  it 
would  astonish  you.  1 was  reckoned  one  of  the  fastest  hands  at 
Guy’s. 

Bag.  {Aside  to  Tipton.)  Guy’s!  What  are  you  about?  {Kicks 
him  dyly.) 

Tip.  oil!  d — n it!  {Hops  about  as  in  pain. — Ladies  rise  in 
alarm.)  Oh!  oh! 

Ladies.  What’s  the  matter,  Miss  Smithers? 

Tip.  {Rubbing  his  leg.)  Oh!  oh!  nothing; — only  a cramp  that 
sometimes  seizes  me.  A a-ah!  {Aside  to  Baggs.)  Hang  it,  Joe! 
you  need  not  have  given  me  such  a severe  hint.  \ Ladies  sit. 

An.  (Aside  to  ladies.)  La!  don’t  Miss  Smithers  swear  uncommon 
strong? 

Ladies.  Don’t  she? 

Tip.  Can  any  young  lady  lend  me  a needle?  {All  offer  needles. 
— lie  takes  two.)  Thank  you,  my  little  dears.  {To  Baggs.)  Here’s 
one  for  you. 

Bag.  Bless  me!  where  have  I put  my  glasses?  {Takes  specta- 
cles from  pocket,  and  puts  them  on — He  and  Tipton  then  take  thread, 
and.  coming  down,  make  ludicrous  attempts  to  thread  their  needles. 
Half -aside.)  Dash  it! 

1’ip.  (Half -aside .)  Hang  it! 

Bag.  Can’t  you  do  it,  Tom? 

Tip.  No! 

Bag.  Neither  can  I. 

Tip.  Hold!  ah,  ha!  I’ve  have  done  it. 

Bag.  You  don’t  mean  that!  Let  me  see.  {Takes  threaded 
needle  from  hvTO'^.)  Thank  you.  There,  you  can  have  mine. 

[Sticks  his  needle  in  Tipton’s  shoulder. 

Tip.  (Jumping  away.)  Hoh!  Come,  I say.  [lakes  stage,  1j. 

Bag.  Miss  Smithers,  have  you  any  idea  what  I’ve  done  with 
my  Ladies’ Companion?  (Rises.)  Could  I have  put  it  in  your 
work-basket,  Miss  Smith?  {Opens  Selina’s  work-basket,  and  pro- 
duces a lobster.)  Oh,  a most  remarkable  Ladies’  Companion  as 
ever  I saw. 

Sel.  (Rising.)  It’s  only  a lobster,  mem, — a present  from  a 
friend,  who  knows  my  delicate  appetite. 

Bag.  All  surreptitious  lobsters  are  confiscated  in  this  establish- 
ment. [Gives  it  to  Tipton. 

Sel.  I protest  against  such  an  invasion  upon  private  property. 

Ladies.  (Rising  ) We  all  protest! 

Bag.  Private  rights  must  always  yield  to  the  public  weal. 

Ladies.  Shame!  Robbery!  Shame!  Oh! 

Bag.  But  to  show  my  disinterested  feelings,  we’ll  have  the 
lobster  at  supper. 

Sel.  Oh,  if  there’s  to  be  supper,  I’m  satisfied!  (Lathes  sit.) 
But  pray,  mem,  when  shall  we  have  dinner? 

Bag.  Well,  I’ve  not  determined  yet.  {Sits  beside  Sophy.) 
Dear  me!  if  I haven’t  lost  my  thimble! 

So.  I’ve  one  here,  if  it  will  suit  you,  mem. 

Bag.  Thank  you,  my  love.  [Puts  it  on  thumb. 


14  WANTED,  ONE  THOUSAND  YOUNG  MILLINERS 


So.  Good  gracious,  mem!  you  have  put  your  thimble  on  your 

thumb. 

Bag.  All!  so  I have.  It  pushes  better  that  way. 

\Ijadies  laugh. 

Tip.  {Looking  over  shoulder.)  Well,  and  how  are  you 

getting  on,  my  dear?  Ah,  very  well, — very  well,  indeed » 

[Pinches  her. — She  screams. 

Bag.  What’s  that? 

Tip.  Only  a spider  that  I found  on  Miss  Stokes’s  dress.  {Pre- 
tending to  crush  it  with  foot.)  There,  the  presumptuous  animal  is 
defunct. 

B ag.  This  house  is  full  of  spiders.  Is  not  that  another  I see 
there?  [Pretends  to  see  one  on  Sophy’s  shoulder. 

An.  {Screaming  in  alarm.)  Oh!  where,  where?  {Rushes  into 
Tipton’s  Where? 

Tip.  {Seeing  who  it  is.)  Eh!  Not  here.  {Pushes  her  away.) 
No,  no. 

Car.  {Taking  her  icork  to  Baggs.)  Does  that  work  please  you, 
mem? 

Bag.  {Evjbinining  it.)  Beautiful!  Come  here,  my  dear.  Merit 
shall  not  go  unrewarded.  [Kisses  her. 

Car.  (r.  c , rubbing  her  cheek.)  Bless  me!  Madame  Vander- 
pints  has  a chin  like  a nutmeg-grater. 

Tip.  I must  also  reward  meritorious  industry.  {Turns  to  em- 
brace Selina — Angelica  interposes,  and  he  finds  her  in  his  arms 
— Aside)  O’.i,  confound  the  apprentice!  {Pushes  her  away. — A 
knwk  D L.  2 E. — Baggs  and  Tipton  come  forward.) 

Bvg.  (Aside.)  Who  the  devil  can  it  be?  {Crosses  to  door.)  Who’s 
there? 

{Without.)  Mrs.  Knappit,  the  milliner. 

Bag.  Mrs.  Knappit? 

Sel.  (7b  Ladies,  m a suppressed  tone.)  Mrs.  Knappit!  Our  mis- 
tress! 

Ladies.  {Alarmed.)  O-o-h. 

{Without.)  I understand  that  some  of  my  young  ladies  are 
here? 

Ladies.  {In a suppressed  tone.)  O-o-h! 

Tip.  Young  ladies  here,  ma’am?  What  an  idea!  We’re  moral 
young  men, — a couple  of  betting-list-keepers,  who  have  retired  in 
disgust  from  the  honesty  of  the  world.  {While  he  speaks.  Baggs 
conducts  Ladies  to  d.  r.  3 e. , pushes  them  in,  and  shuts  it.)  And 
we’ve  registered  a vow,  ma’am,  not  to  let  any  female  enter  our 
melancholy  abode! 

{ Without.)  Oh  dear!  I beg  your  pardon,  gentlemen— very  sorry 
— but  good  morning — good  morning. 

Tip.  Adieu,  ma’am — farewell — mind  the  two  steps,  ma’am. 
{Turns,  with  a pirouette.)  Tol  de  rol — she’s  off! 

Bag.  {Meetin'i  him  dancing.)  Tom,  I’ve  a’#  idea.  During  the 
temporary  absence  of  the  ladies,  may  we  not  have  a i)ipe? 

Tip.  The  very  thing  I was  about  to  propose.  I’ve  got  my 
fumigator  here.  [Takes  pipe  from  apn^on  pocket. — Both  sit,  q,. 

Bag.  And  I mine.  [Takes  out  pipe. 

Tip.  {Lighting  German  Under  against  sole  of  shoe.)  Have  a light, 
Joe? 


VOR  TIIR  GOLD-DIGGlNCi.S. 


15 


Bag.  {The  same.)  Thank  you,  1 have  got  it.  [fAght  pipes. 

Tip.  ioQ,—{Puff.) — I say,  the  smell  of  the  tobacco  may  discover 
us  — ^ 

Bag.  Nonsense!— tobacco  has  no  smell  [iV/. 

Tip.  {Paf-)  Tm  glad  of  that. 

Enter  Selina,  cautiously,  R.  3 e. 

Sel.  Mrs.  Vanderpants!  {Both  jump  up  suddenly 
crosses  toil.,  andthroics  away  pipe — Baggs  puts  his  in  pocket — Both 
blow  to  disperse  smoke — She  comes  down  r.)  Is  she  gone? 

Tip.  Yes,  we  persuaded  her  to  go. 

Sel.  I never  was  so  frightened  in  my  life!  {Sniffs.)  Ehl 
Bless  me,  there’s  been  some  one  smoking  here. 

I Smoking?  \ Sniff, 

Bag.  (l.)  > ^ 

Sel.  Don’t  you  smell  it? 

Both.  No. 

Tip.  Yet  now  I fancy  I perceive  a delicate  perfume  of  roses. 
{Aside  to  Baggs.)  Joe,  you’re  on  fire! 

Bag.  {Aside,  jumping .)  The  devil  I am.  Oh,  ’tis  the  rascally 
pipe.  {Snatches  pipe  hastily  out  of  pocket,  and  .throws  it  away  — 
While  this  takes  place,  Ladies  enter,  d.  r . 3 e.  , and  take  places  on 
R.,  each  holding  something  behind  her — Tipton  and  Baggs  on  i>.) 

So.  Mrs.  Vanderpants,  we’ve  discovered  a something  in  that 
room  that  has  alarmed  our  delicacy,  mem. 

Bag.  Your  delicacy,  child? 

So.  Yes,  mem.  Do  ladies  usually  wear  Wellington  boots? 

[Sophy  and  Bella  each  produce  a boot. 

Car.  Or  is  it  the  fashion  for  our  sex  to  amuse  themselves  with 
boxing-gloves — so?  {She  and  Jemima  produce  two  pairs  of  boxing 
gloves  on  their  hands,  ami  take  a pugilistic  attitude.) 

Char.  Or  play  upon  the  post-horn?  {Produces  horn,  and  blows 
a discordant  note — Selina  goes  to  chimney-piece,  and  returns  with 
razor.) 

An.  Or  to  wear  such  a hat  as  this? 

[^Puts  wide  aicake  on  head. 

Sel.  And  I should  like  to  know  what  business  a correct  fe- 
male can  have  witn  a razor.  \^ExMbits  razor. 

Ladies.  Oo-h! — ah! 

Bag.  Miss  Smithers,  explain. 

Tip.  Me  explain? 

Bag.  {Aside  to  him.)  Hush! — it’s  all  right.  Say  something. 

Tip.  (l.  Affeciing  modesty.)  Well,  mem,  I’ll  tell  the  truth  — 
There  is  a young  man  comes  here  sometimes — to — to — tea. 

Bag.  a man?  Oh!  support  me,  ladies! 

\_Totters,  and  is  supported  by  ladies. 

Tip.  Oh,  mem!  but  it’s  all  correct.  I’ll  assure  j ou!  We’ve  put 
up  the  banns;  and  he’s  quite  a respectable  young  gent — a medical 
student,  mem. 

Bag.  a medical  student?  Unhappy  3miing  woman ! 

Tip.  a student  of  Guv’s,  mem. 

Bag.  a student  of  Guy’s.  Worse  and  worse!  ’Tis  really 
shocking!  I — oh,  oh!  \Pretends  to  faint. — Ladies  surround  Mm, 

So.  She’s  fainted! 


16  WANTED,  ONE  THOUSAND  YOUNG  MILLINERS 


Sel.  Ladies.  Cold  water!  [Angelica  r.  3 e. 

Sel.  Poor  dear!  the  shock  has  done  it. 

So.  Open  her  dress! 

Car.  Cut  her  stays!  {They  pull  off  his  cap  and  corsage,  the  skirts 
of  the  gown  only  remaining;  he  appears  as  a man  down  to  the 
waist. ) 

Be-enter  Angelica,  d.  r.  3 e.,  carrying  a water-pitcher. 

An.  Here,  here’s  the  water.  [Dashes  it  into  his  face. 

Bag.  Pooh ! — wooh ! Zounds ! [Jumps  up. 

Ladies.  {Screaming  and  retreating.)  Gracious!  it’s  a man! 

Tip.  a man? — a monster.  [Slips  into  room,  r.  3 e. 

Sel.  Ladies,  if  you  have  the  spirit  of  ladies,  you  must  punish 
the  impostor. 

So.  Pinch  him  to  death! 

An.  Tickle  him  into  fits! 

Car.  Scratch  his  eyes  out! 

Sel.  No,  no,  Let  all  do  as  I do, — prepare  needles.  {Ladies 
take  needles  out  of  work.)  Present  needles ! 

[They  present  needles  at  him. 

Bag.  What  are  you  about,  ladies? 

Sel.  Charge  needles  ! [They  prick  him  on  all  sides. 

Bag.  Oh!  the  devil — spare  me!  Oh!  I say — for  heaven’s  sake 
— there,  have  done — do — ladies!  I’m  not  a bag  of  bran!  Oh, 
oh,  oh!  [Breaks  from  them,  and  runs  into  closet  l.  3 E. 

Sel.  Follow  him!  Don’t  let  him  escape. 

[ They  pursue  him  into  closet;  his  remonstrances  heard  within. 

Enter  Tipton,  r.  3 e.,  m man's  attire,  except  head-dress. 

Tip.  What  a pack  of  little  demons.  (Ladies  cheer  in  closet.) 
There  they  go.  If  I could  find  my  coat  I’d  be  off.  {Looks  for 
it — Baggs  in  his  own  clothes,  is  hauled  in  by  ladies,  hound  with 
scarfs  and  shawls — Tipton  conceals  himself  behind  arm-chair.) 

Bag.  I demand  quarter. 

Ladies.  No  quarter! — no  4uarter. 

[They  push  him  into  chair,  l.  c.,  and  proceed  to  tie  him  in. 

Bag.  Charming  Selina!  have  pily  on  me. 

Sel.  {Seeing  Tipton.)  Oh!  there’s  the  other  tiger  lying  in  am- 
bush, to  spring  upon  his  victims. 

Tip.  Me  a tiger?  I deny  it!  I’m  a trembling  fawn — an  inno- 
cent lamb — a — {Moms  l. — Ladies  seize  and  tie  him  in  chair,  r.,  with 
the  pieces  they  have  been  sewing.) 

Tip.  Help!  Murder! 

Sel.  Stop  his  mouth! 

Tip.  {Struggling.)  Would  you  stifle  the  voice  of  the  people? 

Enter  Singleton,  with  carpet-bag,  L.  2 E. 

Sin.  Ha,  ladies!  A female  invasion!  My  clerk,  Joe  Baggs,  and 
that  rascal,  Tom  Tipton!  What  brought  you  all  here? 

An.  (u.)  This,  sir.  {Shows placard,  which  reads. — 

Ladies  unbindT and  Baggs.) 

Sel.  {Aside.)  I’ll  be  hanged  if  it  isn’t  the  old  gentleman  that 
I was  dine  with  at  Richmond,  next  Sunday! 


FOK  J'lIK  GOLE“l)KiGlNGS. 


17 


Sin.  (li.)  What’s  this?  (Reads)  '^Milliners  for  the  gold  dig. 
gings”— um— “ apply”— iim—“  to  Mrs.  Vanderpants.”  My  r-e 
spected  cdient.  Where  is  she? 

Bag.  (l.  c.  Timidly.)  I'm  that  penitent  individual,  sir. 

Tip.  And  I’m  her' unhappy  friend,  Miss  Smithers,  sir. 

Sin.  Oh,  indeed!  Now  1 understand  the  hoax.  This  is  why 
vou  wished  me  to  20  to  Oxford.  Why,  the  first  man  I met  on 
the  platform  at  the^station  was  old  Tottles,  alive  and  well.  Then 
I shall  have  the  pleasure  of  confiding  Mrs.  Vanderpants  and 
friend  to  the  custody  of  the  police— directly.  (Going.)  Til  make 
an  example  of  them. 

Bag.  a word  with  you,  sir,  first.  (Draws  him  to  c.,  and  shows 
him  note.)  You  know  that  note,  sir — 

Sin.  (Aside.)  Selina  Smith’s.  How^  the  deuce  did  I lose  it? 

Bag.  Never  mind,  governor; — don’t  be  alarmed.  Let’s  cry 
quits,  and  I’ll  be  secret. 

Sin.  (As  from  sudden  thought.)  I know  nothing  about  it! 

Sel.  (Djwul.)  Nothing  about  it?— Not  about  me,  sir? 

Sin.  (Aside.)  Eh?  The  deponent  herself.  Hera!  ha! — there’s 
no  twisting  out  of  this.  Well— ha,  ha,  ha!— hush-h!— my  char- 
acter!— preserve  my  character,  and  all  shall  be  forgiven!  There, 
I don’t  want  to  know  what  you’ve  been  doing.  Don’t  tell  me. 
I’ll  go  and  dine  at  a tavern. 

Bag.  Dine  at  a tavern!  when  I have  ordered  a splendid  cold 
collation  and?  dozen  of  champagne? 

Sel.  Ladies.  Bravo!  bravo! 

Bag.  Which  my  worthy  governor  here  insists  he  shall  pay  for. 

Ladies.  Oh!  Bravo!  bravo!  bravo!  (Clap  hands.)  Encore ^ 

Tip.  You’re  an  honor  to  the  country  that  gave  you  birth,  and 
to  the  boots  in  wnich  you  stand.  We’ve  taken  some  slight  liber-’* 
ties  with  you,  sir;  but  if  you’ll  forgive  us  we’ll  drink  your  health 
and  your  own  champagne,  with  enthusiastic  applause. 

Sin.  Forgive  you?  Never!  Til  be — 

Bag.  (Aside  to  himA  Hem!  Selina  Smith! 

Sin.  Ah!— hem!— Kelina!  Yes,  yes,  T forgive  you— (As and 
be  hanged  to  you! 

Tip.  We’re  much  obliged.  (7b  Ladies.)  Ladies,  mav  we— Ah! 
bless  their  dear  little  hearts!  they  have  smiled  our  iiardon  before 
T asked  it.  And  now  to  make  our  last  appeal  to  a liberal  and  en- 
lightened public.  (7b  audience.)  Ladies  and  gentlemen,  pray 
don’t  mention  what  has  passed  here  to  night,  except  to  .friends, 
who,  like  you,  can  forgive  our  follies,  laugh  at  our  larks,  and  make 
our  little  theatre  a real  Gold  Diggings  for  these  Spirited  Young 
Milliners,  who  beg  to  drop  you  a grateful  curtsey,  before  we 
drop  the  curtain.  (Tipton  Baggs  admnee  in 

line  and  curtsey  profoundly  to  audience,  as  curtain  falls.) 

f^TTUATIONS. 


Jem.  Chati..  Car,  Tipton.  Baggs,  So,  Bel  Bin.  Bel 


1^ 


THE  END. 


Vi 


, 


% 


HAQEMAN’S  MAKE=UP  BOOK. 


By  MAURIt^G  HAQCMAN. 

Author  of  “What  Became  of  Parker,” ‘‘Prof.  Robinson,”  “Hector,”  “Mra 
Mulcahy,”  “The  First  Kiss,”  “By  Telephone,”  “To  Rent.”  etc. 

Price,  25  cents. 

The  importance  of  an  effective  make-up  is  becoming  more  apparent  to 
the  professional  actor  every  year,  but  hitherto  there  has  been  no  book  on  the 
subject  describing  the  modern  methods  and  at  the  same  time  covering  all 
branches  of  the  art.  This  want  has  now  been  filled.  Mr.  Hageman  has  had 
an  experience  of  twenty  years  as  actor  and  stage-manager,and  his  welVknown 
literaryability  has  enabled  him  to  put  the  knowledge  so  gained  into  shape 
to  be  of  use  to  others.  The  book  is  an  encyclopaedia  of  the  art  of  making  up. 
Every  branch  of  th^ subject  is  exhaustively  treated,  and  few  questions  can 
be  asked  by  professional  or  amateur  ':hat  cannot  be  answered  by  this  admira 
ble  hand-book.  It  is  not  only  the  600A;  ever  published,  but  it 

is  not  likely  to  be  superseded  by  ai  y other.  It  is  absolutely  indispensable 
to  every  ambitious  actor. 


CONiBNTS. 


Ghapter  I.  General  Remarks. 

Chapter  II.  Grease^^Paints.  their  origin,  components  and  use. 

Chapter  III.  The  Make-up  Box.  Grease-Paints,  Mirrors,  Face  Powder  and 
Puff,  Exora  Cream,  Rouge,  Liquid  Color,  Grenadine,  Blue  for  the  Eyelids, 
Brilliantine  for  the  Hair,  Nose  Putty,  Wig  Paste,  Mascaro,  Crape  Hair, 
Spirit  Gum,  Scissors,  Artists’  Stomps,  Cold  Cream,  Cocoa  Butter,  Recipes  for 
^Id  Cream. 

chapter  IV.  Preliminaries  before  Making  up;  the  Straight  Make-up 
and  how  to  remove  it. 

Chapter  V.  Remarks  to  Ladies.  Liquid  Creams,  Rouge,  Lips,  Eyebrows, 
Eyelashes,  Character  Roles,  Jewelry,  Removing  Make-up. 

Chapter  VI.  Juveniles.  Straight  Juvenile  Make-up,  Society  Men, 
Young  Men  in  111  Health,  with  Red  Wigs,  Rococo  Make-up,  Hands,  Wrists, 
Cheeks,  etc. 

Chapter  VII.  Adults,  Middle  Aged,  and  Old  Men.  Ordinary  Type  of 
Manhood,  Lining  Colors,  Wrinkles,  Rouge,  Sickly  and  Healthy  Old  Ag^ 
Ruddy  Complexions. 

Chapter  VIII.  Comedy  and  Character  Make-ups.  Comedy  Effects, 
WiTC,  Boards,  Eyebrows,  Noses,  Lips,  Pallor  of  Death. 

Chapter  IX.  The  Human  Features.  The  Mouth  and  Lips,  the  Eyes  and 
Byelias,  the  Nose,  the  Chin,  the  Ear,  the  Teeth. 

Chapter  X.  Other  Exposed  Parts  of  the  Human  Anatomy. 

Chapter  XL  Wigs,  Beards,  Moustaches,  and  Eyebrows.  Choosing 
a Wig,  Powdering  the  Hair,  Dimensions  for  Wigs,  Wig  Bands,  Bald  Wi^, 
Ladles*  Wigs,  Beards  on  Wire,  on  Gauze,  Crape  Hair,  Wool,  Beards  for 
Tramps,  Moustaches,  Eyebrows. 

Chapter  XII.  Distinctive  and  Traditional  Characteristics.  North 
American  Indians,  New  England  Farmers,  Hoosiers,  Southerners,  Politicians. 
Cowboys,  Miners,  Quakers,  Tramps,  Creoles,  Mulatoes,  Quadroons,  Octo- 
roons, Negroes,  Soldiers  during  War,  Soldiers  during  Peace,  Scouts,  Path- 
finders, Puritans,  Early  Dutch  Settlers,  Englishmen,  Scotchmen,  Irishmen, 
Frenchmen,  Italians,  Spaniards,  Portuguese,  South  Americans,  Scandina- 
vians, Germans,  Hollanders,  Hungarians,  Gipsies,  Russians*  Turks,  Anibs, 
Moon,  Oaffirs,  Abyssinians,  Hindoos,  Malays,  Chinese,  Japanese,  Clowns  and 
Smnary,  Hebrews,  Drunkards,  Lunatics,  idiots,  Misers,  Rogues. 

Address  Orders  to 

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